ACT 2

#15 ENTR'ACTE

SCENE 10

SPACESHIP

Astronauts NINA & GINA in BLUE FLIGHT SUITS, with CLEAR BOOTS, at control desks.

GLEN (non-binary) sits at a meeting table.

They all have BLONDE HAIR (whatever their ethnicity). LOVELOCK (female, 40ish) is teaching three KIDS. A VIDEO SCREEN shows ...

image: Animals

LOVELOCK

In the mid-21st century, Clair de Lune cloning technology saves endangered species around the world! Rhinos, pandas, river dolphins.

Image: Office worker

But it's only a matter of time, before people, who also couldn’t or wouldn't find a partner, sign up to make clones of themselves.

Image: many test-tubes

When those kids grew up, they of course did the same. Usually, with genetic adjustments, for improved disease resistance, health, appearance, and so on.

Image: many blonde kids (all ethnicities)

Millions of kids. Just. Like. You.

Image: biohazard symbol

Then in 2081, The Ultimate Accident poisons the planet with viruses and pollution. Sadly, only genetically-modified clone-people survive.

Image: Bubble city

We build a new civilisation in the Bubble Cities. A hygenically-sealed, technologically-enabled utopia. Society thrives. Everyone is blonde, healthy ... and infertile. Something is missing.

Image: Question mark

KID

(raising hand)

Is it Love, Professor Lovelock?

LOVELOCK

Well I love you, Sammy. But yes, a missing gene. Or maybe we're just out of practice.

Image: Worm-hole

LOVELOCK (CONT'D)

Exploiting a worm-hole ...

KID

Near Uranus?

Image: Worm-hole near Jupiter

LOVELOCK

Jupiter.

Time-travelling teams are sent to epochs before the genetic-engineering and cloning began, to collect starter DNA samples.

Image: Spaceship

LOVELOCK (CONT'D)

A long complicated stealth mission, avoiding detection, in case we alter earth history and cease to exist.

KID

Are you winning?

Image: Question mark

LOVELOCK

So far, it seems wherever Love comes from, it can’t be extracted. It must be revealed voluntarily, in a mysterious state the scientists call being “in the mood”.

Image: Fazer

So we developed The Fazer. A heart and brain ray, that temporarily dissolves fear, logic, and laziness, and boosts the curiosity, intuition and energy, that, I believe, leads to love.

KID

Cool.

LOVELOCK

Used responsibly, the FAZER is a helpful tool for medical research.

AURIGA hurries in.

LOVELOCK (CONT'D)

That's all for today. Back to your pods.

Exit KIDS.

AURIGA

I'm so sorry I'm late.

LOVELOCK

Good morning. Auriga. This is Glen.

GLEN

Greetings!

AURIGA

Hi Glen

LOVELOCK

(to Auriga)

Whose turn is it to be chair-person?

REX

(Off, through a MEGAPHONE)

MINE!

Enter REX (male,42) Confident toxic bachelor, carrying a STAFF with a FAZER and a MEGAPHONE attached.

REX (CONT'D)

Now this is a Mothership I’d like to Fly!

AURIGA

(aside to Lovelock)

They sent a Man?

GLEN

(standing)

I present Rex, captain of "The One".

REX points his STAFF at the SCREEN, and begins a presentation.

#16 THE MAN

REX

Ha ha! Glad to have you know me.

So we can really “get off”, I brought to the party some factual data, regarding ... myself!

YO! MY NAME’S REX, LIKE A KING

I’M A CLASSIC, JURASSIC PASSIONATE THING

IF YOU EVER NEED A BIG STRONG HAND ON YOUR HELM

I’M A LORD OF THE LAND, AND A KNIGHT OF THE REALM

I’M A PLEASURE DOME, BY ROYAL DECREE

I’M LIKE ROME, COS ALL ROADS LEAD TO ME

I’M A FULL-BLOOD PRINCE MOST CHARMING OF ALL

AND EVERY CINDERELLA WANTS COME TO MY BALL

I DO A FIFTY YARD DASH, A FOUR MINUTE MILE

A HIGH DIVE SPLASH, AND I DO IT IN STYLE

I’M THE BEST OF BREED, I’M A NEW GOLD STANDARD

I’M EVERYTHING YOU NEED, BEAMIN’ DOWN TO YOUR PLANET

I'M FORMULA ONE, I'M A GATTLING GUN

I'M BRIGHTER THAN THE LIGHT OF A THOUSAND SUNS

I’M THE BIZ, I’M THE SHIZ, I’M THE SOURCE OF ALL LAUGHTER

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER, AND THE MORNING AFTER

I AM THAT GREAT

I AM THE MAN

I AM THAT GREAT.

I AM THE MAN

THAT’S ME!

(coughs)

Woah. Right. Er ... who needs a vitamin? Vitamin?

LOVELOCK

I’m so sorry. He’s ...

AURIGA

Out of control?

LOVELOCK

Unsustainable.

Rex produces a pill bottle and shaeks it at the others invitingly.

REX

Vitamin? Vitamin? Suit yourself.

(Gulp)

Now, that’s enough about me. What do other people say ... about me? They say ...

I’M A BIG MAN ON CAMPUS, NINE FEET TALL

WHATEVER YOU’VE HEARD BABE, BELIEVE IT ALL

I’M A HEAVY-WEIGHT CHAMP, A THOUSAND WATT AMP

THERE’S NO BUSHEL BIG ENOUGH TO HIDE MY LAMP

I’M A SMORGASBOARD OF PRIME BEEF CUTS

THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL, FROM SOUP TO NUTS

I’M RAW CANE SUGAR, HIMALYAN SALT

I’M A 40 YEAR BARREL-AGED SINGLE MALT

I’M A SAMURAI SWORD, A DIAMOND JAM

I’M A FIVE-STAR, BONE-IN, IBERICO HAM

FORGET THE NEW KID, I’M THE BLOCK

HOLD ONTO YOUR CHICKENS, COS I’M THE COCK

I AM THAT GREAT

I AM THE MAN

I AM THAT GREAT

I AM THE MAN

THAT’S ME!

REX breathes heavily from the exertion.

GLEN

Ladies and gentlemen. Please make some noise for ...

REX

Me!

GLEN

The Man!

REX

I’M INTERPLANETARY, EXTRA-ORDINARY

IF I WASN'T SO CUTE, HMM, I MIGHT BE SCARY

I’M THE FINAL FRONTIER, OF DANCE IN THE DARK

FOR ME A LIGHT YEAR, IS A WALK IN THE PARK

MY RIDE’S OUTSIDE, IT’S CALLED “THE ONE”

I’M ON A FIVE YEAR MISSION OF NON-STOP FUN

TO BOLDLY “GO”, THAT’S WHAT I DO

WHERE NO MAN’S BEEN, SOUND GOOD TO YOU?

I AM THAT GREAT

I AM THE MAN

I AM THAT GREAT

I AM THE MAN

THAT’S ME

(laughs. coughs)

Right. Er ... Good.

REX

Thank you ... But you can call me “Sir”.

LOVELOCK

We’re all equal on the Mothership, remember?

REX

We’ll see. Till then ... call me Rex.

AURIGA

Hello, Rex.

REX

Hi baby.

REX sits.

REX (CONT'D)

Glen. Do the honours.

GLEN

Shoulder rub?

REX

Agenda

GLEN

Oh, right. Mission meeting forty-two. All systems nominal. Actions pending ...

REX

Whatever.

(to AURIGA)

You?

AURIGA

I’m sorry?

REX

What are you into?

LOVELOCK

AURIGA is Sampling Team.

REX

Aha! A Prober like us! Don’t you love it? “Blowing minds and blasting behinds.”

AURIGA

Ew no! The Probe is old-fashioned and barbaric. We look for suggestibie subjects, where we can use the Fazer on a mild setting and more humane non-invasive methods, carefully integrated, through dream-scaping.

REX

Spare me the clinical mumbo jumbo. Wham. Bam, Zap'em, Probe ‘em, and split. That’s what I say. Old school. Bit of smoke and mirrors. Woo! Leave them with a story to tell.

LOVELOCK

Yes we know your ways, Rex. The early civilisations are a freakshow now, thanks to you.

REX

Sumeria was the best gig we ever played, lady. I admit the Mayans got a little messy.

LOVELOCK

Your historical paradoxes have made so many epochs unstable. The 2000s are all we have left. With cameras everywhere. The internet. A mountain of evidence. Any day now, too many witnesses, and boom! There’s a real danger of History Collapse.

REX

Please professor. Another lecture? People in 2099 want babies. We scan DNA till we find the answer. Who cares who sees us? These people are history.

LOVELOCK

Everything’s connected.

REX

In your mind! I happen to like clones. And so do my brothers. heh.

LOVELOCK

You’re an evolutionary dead-end, Rex. We all are. Unless we can make a natural baby, before we’re discovered ...

AURIGA

... we have no future.

REX

Okaaay.

(to AURIGA)

So how’s that going?

AURIGA

Er ... well, fine, more or less. Slight anomaly last night. All under control.

LOVELOCK

Anomaly?

AURIGA

I had a minor Fazer malfunction. An encounter with a subject.

GLEN

What kind of encounter?

AURIGA

Er ... a close one.

REX

Did it create a paradox, collapse the cosmic timeline

and suck all past and future history into a singularity?

AURIGA

No. It was ... nice.

REX

Right! That’s it.

REX stands.

AURIGA

What?

REX

No more nice. Glen, get things ship-shape on “The One”.

GLEN

Yes sir.

LOVELOCK

Where are you going?

REX

This meeting’s over. From now on we’re doing it my way.

GLEX hurries over.

GLEN

But, Rex. Your way?

REX

That’s right Glen. If you can't enjoy your work, what's the point? We’re getting the band back together!

GLEN

Er. It's been a while. Are you sure?

REX

Only one way to find out bubba. Let’s roll!

SCENE 11

BEDROOM – NIGHT

ADAM is asleep.

An ominous rumble. The ROCK GLOW PULSE begins.

#17 VISITATION ONE

ADAM sits up.

Small, slim figures with big eyes appear around the room.

The door of the wardrobe opens.

ADAM

Dream woman?

GLEN

And some, baby. You've been upgraded!

Enter GLEN, as a disco diva.

#18 ALIEN LOVE

GLEN (CONT'D)

YOU LIKED IT BEFORE

BUT DESIRED SOMETHING MORE?

HERE IT IS BABE

THE DIVA HAS LANDED

I PUT ON A SHOW

WITH MY BRO SISTA FLOW

AND NOBODY LEAVES EMPTY-HANDED

FORGET YOUR PARTAY

WITH MISS SKINNY LATTE

YOU GET MORE OOMPH

WITH MY FULLER FIGURE

WHY STOP AT MANAGEABLE?

WHEN I OFFER TANGIBLE PROOF BABE

THAT BETTER IS BIGGER

I’M A GIFT FROM ABOVE

COME DOWN TO FILL YOU UP

WITH ALIEN LOVE!

SEEMS YOU’VE BEEN MIXING IT UP

WITH MISS VANILLA B-CUP

TIME TO TRY A MORE EXOTIC DISH

I WON’T GIVE IT AWAY

BUT MY SURPRISE ENTRÉE

IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT KETTLE OF FISH

YOU’VE BEEN LOST IN YOUR HEAD

HEDONISTICALLY DEAD

WELCOME BACK TO THE WORLD OF THE SENSES

I DIAGNOSE YOU NEED DOUBLE THE DOSE

AND THAT’S JUST WHAT THIS NEXT NURSE DISPENSES

THE CURE FOR WHAT YOU’RE MISSING

IS MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE ... OF EVERYTHING!

GONNA

GLEN (CONT'D)

FILL YOU UP, FILL YOU UP

CHORUS

FILL YOU UP, FILL YOU UP

GLEN

I’M GONNA

GLEN (CONT'D)

FILL YOU UP WITH LOVE

CHORUS

FILL YOU UP WITH LOVE

GLEN

GET READY FOR THE PROBE

CHORUS

ENTERING YOUR ORBIT

GLEN

LAY BACK, RELAX, UNROBE

CHORUS

ACCEPT IT. ABSORB IT.

GLEN

GET READY FOR THE PROBE

CHORUS

ENTERING YOUR ORBIT

GLEN

GET READY FOR THE PROBE. AH-HA-HA-HA!

CHORUS

GET READY FOR IT, READY FOR IT

GET READY FOR THE PROBE

GET READY FOR THE PROBE

GLEN

Now, try to get comfortable. How are we feeling?

ADAM

(struggling)

Mmm! Mmm!

GLEN

Slightly paralysed?

ADAM

(struggling)

Mmm! Mmm!

GLEN

Good.

(aside)

Tell the master we’re ready

(to ADAM)

Don’t worry about a thing. This is how we’ve been doing it, for thousands of years. It will go a little easier, if you try to think about ... something else.

CHORUS

GET READY FOR IT, READY FOR IT

GET READY FOR THE PROBE

GET READY FOR THE PROBE

Enter REX with LIZARD HEAD-GEAR, STAFF, and SPEAR.

GLEN and the LITTLE HELPERS hold ADAM.

REX strikes a menacing pose.

ADAM

No! No! I don’t like it. This is a nightmare.

I want to wake up. Aaaaarrgh!

REX points his SPEAR at ADAM

The door opens. THERESA enters, with a huge FLASH-LIGHT.

THERESA

(sleepily)

Adam, is everything alright? I thought I heard something. Ooh.

THERESA stares at the illuminated scene.

REX keeps his SPEAR on ADAM, and points his STAFF at THERESA.

REX

Grab her!

The LITTLE HELPERS surround THERESA.

AURIGA enters through the WARDROBE.

AURIGA

Wait! Not the family!

REX

“Acceptance!”

REX fazes THERESA with his STAFF.

sound: ZAAAaaap!

THERESA is entranced.

REX turns the STAFF back to ADAM.

ADAM

(struggling)

Mmm. Mmmm.

GLEN pins ADAM's shoulders.

GLEN

Prepare to be dazzled!

AURIGA

Hey! Get away from him, you ...

AURIGA lunges at GLEN.

REX tries to get a clear shot.

The LITTLE HELPERS skip around THERESA.

REX

Haha! Just like old times.

REX turns on the RADIO.

Music: Funky dance groove.

REX adjusts the STAFF and points it at his own face.

REX

“Maximum acceptance!”

Sound: ZIIIIiiiip!

REX (CONT'D)

Ha ha! Wow! That’s the good stuff. People. You gotta try this!

Sound: ZIIIIiiiiip!

REX zaps THERESA.

THERESA

Woo Hoo!

THERESA dances energetically.

The LITTLE HELPERS are delighted by THERESA’s dancing. They turn to REX expectantly.

REX

Hmm You’re a bit small. But ... OK!

Sound: ZIIIiiiip! ZIIiiip! ZIIIIIiiiip!

REX zaps the LITTLE HELPERS.

KID

Weeeee!

The LITTLE HELPERS dance like ravers.

AURIGA and GLEN stop fighting to watch. They are breathing heavily, tired from the exertion.

REX

Need a lift?

GLEN

No, Rex.

AURIGA

Don’t!

REX fazes AURIGA and GLEN.

Sound: ZIIIiiiip!

Sound: ZIIIIiiiip!

AURIGA

(to GLEN)

More?

GLEN

Sure!

GLEN (CONT'D)

Raaaaah!

AURIGA

Raaaaah!

REX

(to himself)

Why not?

REX FAZES himself again.

Sound: ZIIIiiip

#19 GET ON THE ONE

REX (CONT'D)

SURE, A ROCKET IS SAFER

WHEN ON THE GROUND IT’S SAT

BUT MY SHIP “THE ONE” IS BUILT TO FLY

D’YOU EVER FEEL LIKE THAT? COME ON!

I’LL WAKE YOU

I’LL TAKE YOU

I’M ASKIN’ NICELY

I’M NOT GONNA MAKE YOU

I‘LL FREE YOU ON THE ONE

WE’RE FLYIN’ HIGH, SO SAY GOODBYE

TO US AND THEM AND REASONS WHY

I NEED YOU ON THE ONE

YOU’RE LOOK IS RIGHT

WITH MY INVITE, YOU’RE A V.I.P.

COME ON, THERE’S PLENTY OF ROOM INSIDE

JUST TELL ‘EM YOU’RE WITH ME

10, 9, 8, ... I GOT YA. LET’S GO!

CHORUS

COME ON

REX

I WANNA WAKE YOU

CHORUS

COME ON

REX

I WANNA TAKE YOU

CHORUS

COME ON

REX

I WANNA FEEL YOU ON THE ONE

CHORUS

COME ON

COME ON

REX

I WANNA WAKE YOU

CHORUS

COME ON

REX

I WANNA SHAKE YOU

CHORUS

COME ONE

REX

I CAN HEAL YOU ON THE ONE

CHORUS

COME ON

COME ON

GLEN and the LITTLE HELPERS, dance into the wardrobe and EXIT.

REX pushes ADAM, AURIGA, and THERESA, dancing, to the WARDROBE with his STAFF. Before they can exit ...

REX

Now I'm entirely self-taught on this thing. And I will be improvising. But if I was going to play a solo, it would go a little something ... like this!

REX plays a screaming synthesizer solo on his staff.

(to Glen)

Ha ha ha. We still got it, hey? Ha ha!

(grandly to the universe)

EX MACHINA, DEUS SUM

DE PROFUNDIS, AD LUCEM

ON THE ONE ...

Sound: POWWWWWWW! Thwumph.

REX (CONT'D)

What happened?

The music and lights CUT abruptly.

BLACK

Sound: Vehicles, helicopters, guns clicking and soldiers’ boots running.

Lights: Sweep past the window.

THERESA continues DANCING.

MAJOR DON (OFF)

(Tannoy)

Pause the fiesta. We have you surrounded.

The LIGHTS come back ON.

Enter MAJOR DON, with AGENT1 and AGENT2 in sunglasses.

REX is wobbling and breathing heavily.

REX

Dude. The music!

AGENT1 snatches the STAFF and SPEAR from REX and throws them aside.

AGENT2 snaps HANDCUFFS on REX. He sits willingly, on the BED.

MAJOR DON

Party’s over, gringo. You are trespassing.

THERESA is still dancing.

And whatever you did to these nice people, you’re gonna pay for it.

REX

(still high)

OK

MAJOR DON, puzzled, pulls out his WALK-TALKIE.

MAJOR DON

(into WALKIE-TALKIE)

Pepe, agentes en cada perímetro y mantenga los helicopteros ... Eh? Como? What kind of spaceship?

AURIGA

(interrupting)

Oh thank you thank you thank you. My hero. You saved us!

AURIGA rushes forward and embraces MAJOR DON

MAJOR DON

Really, it’s nothing. Please, tranquila.

(to ADAM)

Is this her?

ADAM smiles sheepishly.

AURIGA discreetly detaches the FAZER from REX’s STAFF, and adjusts it.

MAJOR DON (CONT'D)

She’s an attractive person! When you said you were dating an ET, I pictured, you know ...

(turning back to Auriga)

Now, preciosa ...

AURIGA zaps MAJOR DON with the FAZER

Sound: ZOOOOoooop!

MAJOR DON falls instantly ASLEEP, standing up.

AURIGA

“Denied”

AGENT1 and AGENT2 pull GUNS.

AURIGA jumps between them, and fazes each in turn.

ZOOOOoooop!

ZOOOOoooop!

The AGENTS fall instantly asleep, pointing their guns at each other.

THERESA is still DANCING.

AURIGA joins her, dancing a little.

AURIGA (CONT'D)

Hi.

THERESA

Woo hoo!

AURIGA fazes THERESA.

Sound: ZOOOOoooop!

THERESA

Wooooo . . . . ..

THERESA slows down.

AURIGA guides her to the door.

AURIGA

Time for a little after-party in your bunk.

THERESA

Yes please dear.

Exit THERESA, sleep-walking.

AURIGA

That’s better.

Sound: Helicopter flies over.

Lights: Sweep past the window.

AURIGA

But the damage is done. Too many witnesses. The authorities!

Sound: EEEEeeeeeerrrrrarkkk.

AURIGA

That is the sound of history collapsing! Good Gaia, Rex! How many times must the Mothership clean up your mess?

REX shrugs.

AURIGA (CONT'D)

Men!

She approaches ADAM and raises the FAZER to zap him.

ADAM

No! Please ... Auriga!

AURIGA

Sorry mooncakes. It’s not you. We had fun. But it went too far. Now I need to ... undo it.

ADAM

But ... you can’t undo it. They already have your DNA, and ... I love you!

AURIGA

What?!!

ADAM looks pathetic.

AURIGA (CONT'D)

We need to talk.

AGENTS

(waking up)

Eh? Qué pasa?

AURIGA

Shiz.

ZOOOooop!

ZOOOooop!

AURIGA fazes the AGENTS again.

They fall back ASLEEP.

Pause.

AURIGA (CONT'D)

(to ADAM)

Alright. Come on.

AURIGA opens the WARDROBE DOOR.

REX struggles with his HANDCUFFS.

REX

What about me?

AURIGA

You had it “your way”. Stick around.

Sound: ZOOOooop!

AURIGA fazes REX. He sleeps.

AURIGA returns to ADAM.

AURIGA (CONT'D)

What DNA?

ADAM

Your hair. "Clair de Lune, 2099"?

AURIGA

Really? Oh Galax! Alright. Get in.

ADAM

Where are we going?

AURIGA

Last week, stupid. To get that hair.

ADAM

Back in time?!

Sound: EEEEeeeeeerrrrrarkkk.

AURIGA

Before it’s too late! Go!

EXIT ADAM and AURIGA, through the wardrobe, and slam the door.

Sound: SPACESHIP takes off

REX falls on the floor.